A Boost of Hope

I got to witness the graduation ceremony of the 119th class of the Northern Virginia Criminal Justice Academy today. One of my good friends was one of the 92 graduates from one of the many departments who attend that academy. It was truly an honor to be there and I couldn't have been more proud of my friend. This is the same friend that in just being who he is and doing what he was doing at the time, helped me realize that I needed to pursue my professional dream. He's so matter-of-fact in how he carries himself that I honestly can't envision him doing anything else. The thing of it is that now I can't envision myself doing anything else other than what he's doing. I know that I've probably (likely...... Heck, definitely) badgered him endlessly about 'the process' and my excitement about the possibility of working with him. I don't even want to pay attention to the reality that this job isn't even guaranteed until I get through all the steps, which in and of itself is not a guarantee. I'm attempting to make the fact that I will get through the entire process and be hired my reality. It will only be as difficult as I make it. I turned in a brain buster of a background packet yesterday and had already received an email from recruiting that it was incomplete. Even though it's probably no big deal, I let the fact that my packet was incomplete worry me as my memory only allows me to remember anything in spurts, a trait that had better disappear and soon. The last thing I want to do is give the department the impression that I'm anything close to a space-brain. Actually, I forgot to send transcripts from one of the community colleges I attended too. I have all too easily forgotten that the recruiting officer stressed that we are all human, that we are not perfect and I would like to take it to mean that she was referring to forgetfulness also.
I am now coming to the realization that I am turning myself into a neurotic mess over this process. Quite frankly, I don't think I can remember a single thing I said at my friend's graduation lunch that didn't have to do with my involvement on the process. This after I told myself that this day was not about me - it is about my friend and his classmates attending the lunch and their hard work over the last 5 months. I am ashamed of my self-obsession during my friend's time to be recognized. Anyone who knows me knows what the opportunity to be an Alexandria Police Officer means to me and that should be enough. I shouldn't feel the need to go around recruiting supportive sentiments from other people on a constant basis. Every academy story told by anyone at the table was met with a response from me of "Yeah, I'm not looking forward to that" or "Yeah, when I get to academy in 6 months..." OK, everyone gets it, they all know I'm a 'hopeful' for Alexandria Police. Those who did not know me at the lunch did not need to know nor did they care. What I am disappointed in most was my inability to stifle my hopefulness to the point of it not permeating through in the conversations taking place long enough for my friend to enjoy his day. What started out as 'hope' very quickly turned into what probably looked like 'desperation'. It was like I turned into a police groupie - constantly talking about where I am in the process with anyone in uniform as though they could guarantee my being hired. After the ceremony before lunch, I even found myself hoping to see the Alexandria police chief so that I might get a chance to introduce myself. How bad would that have looked? It's time I put this dream back on a leash. What happened to the mindset I had about this job only a month ago? Nothing significant has happened in the process since the written test and the next step for me will probably happen within the next two weeks. I'll deal with it then. Until then, there's nothing to talk about in regards to the Alexandria Police Department effort....... With anyone.
It's amazing that in the midst of feeling genuine happiness for and pride in my friend and his classmates and every sentiment I expressed towards him was of the most genuine sort, that I could not take enough of my focus off of me and my plight with APD. I suppose all that's left to do is to feel bad, acknowledge that I was selfish today and put it behind me. Luckily, I know that my friend harbors no ill will and does not see my constant bantering about my place in the process as having taken away from his day because that's the kind of guy he is. He means it, too. With that silent reprieve in place, I'm taking my friend's grace as a nod from the universe to learn to SHUT UP and let others have their spotlight. I'm sure I'll find that in not interfering with others' time in the spotlight, I'll have plenty of time of my own in the spotlight. This is an insecurity that has to go. Even though it wasn't the time in the spotlight per se that I was after, it was the weighing down of the conversation with my ambitions which no one wanted to talk about or hear about. This type of behavior has to stop. I have lost good things from the universe before, continuing to act like this could be the very thing that denies me what it is I'm after in the first place. I guess if being an Alexandria Police Officer means enough to me, then I'll find a way to play by the rules of the universe rather than to try to force my own destiny. I have decided that this job will happen for me. It won't if I don't learn to trust the universe which is a much larger entity than the Chief of Police. Best that I learn to leave it be before I am the cause of a lot of disappointment for myself.