Healing Heart, Mind and Body

Hey folks, I have decided to add yet another facet to my ever-growing page. Spiritual wellness. In the absence of a belief that any one 'God' exists, I still believe in life forces throughout the universe. They are all around us, people. Some you can see and others you can feel, and some go undetected by any sensory perceptions but still manage to do their what they do. Some are good and some are bad but they're all around us. These life forces can put a twitch in your gait or completely guide you in decision making about anything without your even being aware.
All my life, I have been plagued by negative energy forces. I don't know where they came from, and I'm not sure why they found me, but they did. Among some of the physical pain they have produced for me over the years, they have actually kept me from gaining knowledge. Not from schoolbooks, but simple, elementary truths that had I been able to see and to know them could possibly have altered my life completely. I have spent my life wondering why there is a barrier between me and every good thing that can happen to me. I realize that this new consciousness is not magic, thereby it will not 'magically' get me a career or provide me with any other material thing. Sometimes life's gift is understanding, enlightenment, healing, strength or just being. Sometimes, when we are at least aware of these energy forces, it isn't until there is a shift or other disturbance that you realize that you may need this energy harnessed, straightened out or have any number of the channels for those energies in your body opened up. There was a time that I would never have believed that this was true and even if it were, it certainly couldn't prevent positive things from happening to me. I am happy to admit I was wrong.
I again refer back to the first chapter of my life (almost 36 years) where from a very early age, things seem lopsided in my life. Throughout my childhood, subtile personal disappointments seemed plentiful during what could be categorized as an otherwise very charmed life. This continued through adolescence where I felt more like I needed to act out. Nothing good ever happened for me or to me. I'd study hard and fail a test, I'd put my all into sports and wouldn't be one of the starting squad or I'd cast a my interpersonal net and drag back only a few friends where those around me had masses of friends. I felt very isolated and alone and my friends were usually of no comfort to me. Darker feelings of anger, jealousy, envy, contempt, and rage usualy manifested and at all the wrong times. Acting out seemed more severe, moods got darker and things would spiral out of control. Going into the Army, things didn't change. Effort streamed out of me, but I merely fell into the backdrop of trainees in boot camp. I was either unnoticeable or considered a problem soldier in most of my units. I tried to get other schooling and would be given anything but what I asked for. "Why can't I just have what I'm asking for?" - A question that seemed to follow me no matter where I ended up. Person after person would tell me things like "You're asking for the wrong things", "You're meant to do something else", "It isn't your time to do this or that" and the list goes on. These explanations, although quite understandable, were equally as unacceptable. I had gotten married earlier in life than my peers. During that time, I would go through job after job, to include the Marine Corps. After the Marine Corps, I thought that I had nailed down the career of my dreams, only to be told right before we had uprooted to move to where the job was that I had been cut from consideration. I felt that this was the setting of the stage for why my first marriage failed. Towards the end, my first wife, after months of being emotionally unavailable, went from elusive to deceptive. The divorce came 6 months after the separation took place. At the time, I saw it as another thing I was meant to have that was taken from me. A new trend had started, however. Not only was I unable to get my hands on any good things, I couldn't hold on tight enough to keep what I had. Where I had God in my life throughout the years of marriage to my first wife, I had given God his eviction notice out of my life. My marriage ended, so there was no God because when I looked to God, I found no answers. This was followed by years of deception by people who referred to themselves as my friends. Don't get me wrong, not everyone who called themselves my friend deceived me, just a key few. The rest of them did no wrong, but I was unable to receive their friendship in its fullness. Every woman I got involved with would sap me of one resource or another - money, self respect, you name it. By the time my soul mate had found me, I was depleted of everything - money, trust, hope and love. She had found me, but not without massive inflictions of pain put upon one another. I couldn't give what I didn't have and I couldn't receive what she wanted to give. We hurt each other dearly for a very long time which only exacerbated my condition. When things with my current wife seemed to finally get on an even keel, I was shipped away to Iraq for a year and came home a different person. I know that now. I was distant, my memory would lapse and as a result, my family would suffer. My life then was thrown into the Army completely, going above and beyond, forever trying to work my way out of the stigma I had from the minute I got to the unit I was in. There was always a struggle, always a fight. Due to an injury, my Army career was swept away and I found myself in the same place I had run away from by going back into the Army, but now I had no job prospects and no idea what I would do for a career. It had also dawned on me that I had no identity. I went through what my wife could only categorize as a painful identity crisis only to suffer depression every time I tried to be a certain way and it didn't work out. I was still going from job to job, hoping to see a chance at forging a career but meeting with adversity and disappointment at each place. This brings us to where I am today.
I met an extraordinary woman through some unlikely circumstances. She was the mother of one of my friends (still is), but now she is also my friend. This is where I learned that the doors that can receive positive energy have been shut all my life. I know that I am taking a big leap in talking about this kind of thing here, but I believe in it enough to do so, which should be a statement in and of itself. It's not a scam, it's not hocus-pocus; energy and life forces are very real. The beauty of this energy and these life forces are that they are not selective and as you could find people that would tell you that God is real and in their lives whether I believe it or not, I can also say the same thing about energy and life forces. Some people see the orchestration of their life as God's will or protective hand depending on the situation, I say it is energy and one's ability to receive it that guides us through life. It's not conscious choice, it just happens. I don't mean to say that there's energy that plants a voice in your head that tells you what to do, but this energy generates and manipulates feelings, intuition, emotions and a myriad of other senses that guide us from day to day. It's because of this energy I have found the light that is supposed to guide me now that it has been excavated from the mire that it has been buried in for so long. As I learn more, I will share more as I feel that enlightenment is something to be shared, not hoarded....